Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
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Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
calling in to work dehydrated
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.