God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
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My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
consequences, the bane of my existence
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!