No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
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ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Ferrari squats
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.