“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
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Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.