Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
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Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
no refunds
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
not to brag, but mine was free
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.