Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
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All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.