I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
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My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.