My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
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Never forget.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
good for her
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down