I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
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“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.