Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
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Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
How software testing works