This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
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Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”