If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
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Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
🍛
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple