Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
You Might Also Like
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word