My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
You Might Also Like
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.