All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
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beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.