Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
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I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.