Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
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“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
If I ignore life will it go away?
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.