Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
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“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?