Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
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Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.