I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
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If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Accurate
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
i smell a pulitzer
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
pictures of spider-man
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind