100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
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[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel