The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
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someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.