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HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
No laws when master is gone
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
But I really needed water water water
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.