Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
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HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it鈥檚 me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I鈥檓 going to use Google Maps regardless
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
The government even made aliens boring
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
馃幎馃幎馃幍馃幍
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they鈥檙e only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
@Lottie_Poppie I鈥檓 at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.