While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
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Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence