Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
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Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.