I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
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I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Need this in my life lol
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.