Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
You Might Also Like
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married