Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
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Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Love this guy
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me