Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
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I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Beauty and the Beast
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen