Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
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Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
LOOOOOOL
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”