Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
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wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
No regrets in 2018
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.