The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
You Might Also Like
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
August 8
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.