You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
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scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”