I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
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If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Just a friendly reminder!
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Festive toon…
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Every time.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.