[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
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SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck