[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
You Might Also Like
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes