Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
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I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees