for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
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So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
God has abandoned us.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant