You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
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Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Sponch