*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
That’s no pocket rocket.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.