i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
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“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.