Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
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I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
🤣could you imagine
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.