12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
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You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice