If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
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I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Cheer up.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach