Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
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If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Nothing to do, you say?
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.