8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
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One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.