Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
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I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”