I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
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Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
🙅🏻
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Classic German Shepherd 😂