I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
You Might Also Like
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
…u ok Nintendo?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
How animals would run if they were human
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑